my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
