worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
