Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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