I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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