i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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