he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
