my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
