I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
