my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she looked like the before picture.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
