How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
