how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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