I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
