You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
