Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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