she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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