cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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