you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
