i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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