best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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