If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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