The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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