I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I can't turn off my feet"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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