Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
