My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
