Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
