I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
