everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
