My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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