Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
