I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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