there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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