sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
