I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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