I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
