the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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