dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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