so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
