Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
