whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
