Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Found your dick twin last night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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