dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
