i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
