If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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