Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
