Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
