I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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