...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
