Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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