hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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