Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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